Sep 03

Today my better half and I hot a local shopping mall for a little wander. Motivated by the sunny weather, the fact that we needed to go by the post office to pick up a parcel and the distinct lack of funds available since this is the last week before payday, we decided to make this a “window shopping” trip. You know the sort – you spend a lot of time looking in shop windows going “ooooh” because you can’t afford to spend anything else inside the shops. That said it gives us both a chance to indulge our inner shopping snobs by looking at stuff that we just wouldn’t give house room to, so it isn’t so bad.

Among the sights and sounds of the day, some of my favourite moments include:

1) Sitting in Subway having a sandwich and watching a young boy sit down outside with his father and gaze lovingly into a shopping bag which contained his brand new PSP. I’m not kidding, this kid was looking at it with genuine love in his eye and a goofy grin on his face. If I was that PSP I would be expecting a candlelit dinner and a walk in the park based on the look he had on his face. Of course there would be no peripheral action and he would only get to my circle button, because I wouldn’t be that kind of handheld console.

2) Seeing some poor sod dressed up as a dragon handing out leaflets for a child play area that parents can use to park their brats while they get some shopping done. We don’t have many hot days in Scotland, but bless me if this unlucky bastard didn’t manage to get to wear the heavy dragon costume on one of them, and have to pose for pictures with just about every child that approached him. I might moan about my job, but they haven’t made me dress up like a mythical creature yet. That said I haven’t checked my work email today, so you never know.

3) Being called over to my better half’s side while we were wandering in Whittard’s tea shop, and looking on in amazement as she pointed at a packet of tea and with some disgust whispered to me, “Look at that! Monkey pickled tea! Ewwwww!” While she wondered whether the monkeys pickled the tea or were pickled in the tea (and, presumably, whether or not she shouldn’t call this one in to the RSPCA), I bent down to pick up a pack of this most curious stuff, only to find that the label actually read “Monkey picked tea“, a reference to days gone by when people trained monkeys to climb to inaccessible areas and pick the choicest tips for fine tea. They don’t do that anymore, but the name has stuck. As has the image in my head of a poor teamaker fighting with a chimpanzee and shouting “Get in the jar, you bastard!” as it “oooh ooooh”s back and flings faeces with a fierce intensity and frightening accuracy.

Of course, I never misread things, oh no. 100% accurate, that’s me. I didn’t look at a book titled “White Ghosts” and think for a moment it was actually “Shite Ghosts” because there was a price sticker in the way. I didn’t once look at a newspaper stand with the headline “Mobs deface Dewar statue” and think they were talking about some famous statue of a conscientious objector and not realise they were in fact talking about a statue of our now dead First Minister Donald Dewar (thinking it meant de-war like de-commission or de-grade). Oh no. 100% accurate me. Always thinking.

4 Responses to “Isn’t that animal cruelty?”

  1. TheWriteJerry Says:

    Well, at least you’re not in de-Nile about never having made that kind of misreading mistake.

  2. MCF Says:

    DRAGONS in Scotland? My most exciting encounter this weekend was with a snake.

    I wish I had a tea monkey.

  3. Wendy Says:

    Yeah well if I had a PSP I would also look at it lovingly. Sigh. I think I need a moment to myself.

  4. FawnDoo Says:

    Gotta say I agree Wendy, I agree…

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