Oct 22

Like many of you out there in the wider world, I have more than one email address. Some get used for junk email, some don’t get used at all, some are for work, some are for friends. As such, I get a lot of emails in each inbox and sometimes when I check them, what is waiting for me there just makes me smile because sometimes, it’s all you can do.

For one thing, I got one in my hotmail inbox today, and it asked me an important question: “Can pornography ever be erotic art?” Now I gotta tell you, I’ve almost gone 27 years on this planet and I can’t believe I never addressed this one. I’ve read philosophy, history, social studies and various other subjects and damn if they never covered that one. Can it ever be erotic art? I suppose so. There are enough films on TV that basically amount to porn as far as I can see, but when I call up the programme information on my digital TV box it lists it as “Erotic drama” so why not “erotic art” too?

Perhaps on a related note, my hotmail inbox also yielded several emails offering me access to cheap medications – or, to use the spelling currently in vogue, Med1Cati O ns – to correct what must be a staggering case of erectile dysfunction on my part. I say that because these people seem to think I need enough drugs to kickstart an inactive volcano to get my engine room running at full speed again. Okay okay, I’m not trying to paint myself as any sort of casanova but let me just say this – you need that amount of drugs to increase your bloodflow, you’re pretty much dead already. Oh, and I want points for avoiding “stiff” jokes there.

Then we have the “Re:[1]” messages and ones like it from Cornelius Q. Underwriter and Gerhart S. Romanovich and the like. Emails that were meant to make me look at them and think “Why, I haven’t heard from old Cornelius, or Gerhard for a while now, I must check that!”

Finally, we have the wonderful emails that have subject lines like “Do you satisfy your women?” (which I would like to answer with a series of questions like “Do I have more than one?” and “Do I really get to refer to them as “my” women?”) , “Do you know where your woman is?” (my answer would probably be “At the other end of the room saying “Don’t call me your woman you prick.”) and “Where is your mom tonight?” (the mind boggles but I’m gonna guess that she might be at home, since I saw her there a few hours ago, but then again she has a car and you never know).

All this and I still get the occasional ones from the daughters/wives/disowned mistresses of African/Middle Eastern/South American dictators who have 10 million dollars to transfer out of their personal accounts, and all they need is one damn account in the west to do it. Hang on, I have an account and I live in the west……hmmmm……

Some people seem to regard this sort of spam as evil and while I think it’s annoying, it does make me smile from time to time. My mum regularly complains to me that she gets more penis enlargement emails in her hotmail inbox than several of her male colleagues. I always like to point out in return that while they might want to make hers larger, they seem convinced that mine isn’t working at all (and then I point out to her that I’m getting worried, because if enough of them sit in the one place and believe it all at the same time, it might hit me like some libido version of El Nino).

Sure, it’s a pest but in the grand scheme of things there are far more serious and far less amusing pests to deal with, so spam is pretty far down my list. For a really amusing online misunderstanding, remind me one day to tell you the story of the time my mother, who works in psychiatric healthcare, went online looking for information on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Turns out CBT can mean many many different things on the wide wonderful web and some of them have very little to do with making you feel more stable and sane. Research at your own peril.

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