Jun 13

What’s that? A blog party? Surely not, those are Friday affairs, aren’t they? Convivial ways to slip into the weekend with your head full of interesting thoughts. A blog party on a Monday? That’ll be the day! Blog party on a Monday, have you ever heard anything so silly…




I struggle for a moment, stuck in that awful moment of inaction that always comes when I am faced with too many things to do at once. I have a clean, ironed white shirt – that’s a plus. My black bow tie is about here somewhere. My tuxedo is hanging, as always, in the wardrobe. I need to polish my shoes. Find a bottle of drink to take along. Do my hair. Shave. Hire a taxi (since I stupidly returned the transport I used for the previous soiree).

A party on a Monday night? After work? This is why holding parties outside of the space time continuum is a good idea. Despite the rush I can’t help but smile – it’s a party, after all. As I scramble into my shirt and start to fasten those damned cufflinks I am suddenly struck by a horrible thought – the invite for this particular party had an “and other” feel about it. Who to take along? Someone daring. Someone interesting. Someone provocative.

But who?

As I busy myself about the house, picking things up, running brushes over jackets, shoes and hair (different brushes each time, thankfully) and trying not to fall over too much, I run through possibilities in my mind. Who to take along…in the end, there is nothing for it but to refer to my diary and the list of phone numbers I have within. Maybe one of my past acquaintances would help out?

Here’s one…The Rani. (Tel: Gallifrey 448-44873-151817437-41274347, Universal communications subjunction 75757-E36364. Extension 223, ask for bio sciences.) Evil, calculating, coldhearted, cruel with an emphasis on the “fatale” part of “femme fatale”. Should be good at a party, as long as no-one starts on at her about her work. So she enslaved a few planets to carry out experiments on the people? Everyone has to make a living somehow. Then again the last time I took her to a place five of the guests were never seen again…nah, might skip on calling her.

How about Faith? (Tel: 7822-666-78253) While not quite as scientifically driven as the Rani, she is no less a femme fatale. Even more intriguingly she mixes in equal parts the potential for goodness as well as great evil, which makes her a great deal more interesting than the Rani, who is rather one dimensional in that regard. She’ll be fine. Then again, what if someone refuses the garlic dip? That might get her suspicions going and then there comes the chair leg, and the screaming, and the slaying…pass.

What about a local? Someone who lives a little closer to home?

I’m sure that Lady Macbeth (Tel: Scotland, 1)might be closer to hand than some of the others in this book. Amoral, lusting for power, and not afraid to push herself and her husband forward in a headlong rush to get it. Until, of course, it caught up with her and the guilt she felt took its full, and terrible, toll. Pity. She might have been handy if no-one had brought a knife to cut the cake…as long as no-one spilled red wine on the tablecloth. She doesn’t take red stains very well. I shudder as I remember the last date I went on with her, and the incident with the beetroot. Doesn’t bear thinking about.

Perhaps someone that doesn’t have a red asterisk against their name in the book? I vaguely recall that being marked against the evil ones.

How about the inestimable Foxxy Cleopatra? (Tel: 77548-SHAZAM) Great line in clothes. Good dancer. Knows her way around a pair of rollerskates. What more is there to say? Oh no hang on, she started going out with that hairy little weirdo didn’t she. Damn. That and she’s not quite in the femme fatale camp. Then again, it’s my address book, I can think about inviting who I like.

Unfortunately Edie Britt, (Tel: Fairview 143873) who at least fits the rather stereotypical “vamp” description of a femme fatale, is likewise unavailable. She would have been an excellent guest though. Having watched her for a year now on Desperate Housewives, I have come to admire the way she goes about her life. There’s a certain admirable directness to someone who aims at a goal like a torpedo and doesn’t deviate. Ah well.

What’s that sound? Beep beep? Damn, the taxi has arrived!

I make a run for the door, reasoning that if I’m not ready now I never will be. I grab my mobile, having finally found the perfect choice of companion for the night’s revels. I can only hope she’s available. It’s a long distance call, but I hope it’ll be worth it.

Hello operator? Yes, long distance call please. Epsilon grid, Euphrates Sector. Yes, I’ll hold.

Ah, Susan! How are you? Listen, you busy tonight? No? Excellent. How do you fancy a night out?

9 Responses to “Blog Party: The Female of the Species”

  1. MCF Says:

    You know, you’d get to these parties a lot quicker if you didn’t take the time to be so incomparably creative. :)

    “Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart! I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me.”

    I never watched the show, but judging by that quote you’ve made an excellent choice. I’m also going to be testing some of those phone numbers when I get home from work….Faith was an awesome choice too.

  2. Rey Says:

    excellent, excellent, excellent! loved this. Great post man.

  3. Kelly Says:

    Faith? Lady MacBeth? Awesome choices! I’ll be kicking myself all day over not thinking of Lady MacBeth …

  4. Kev Says:

    I almost used Faith too. And in your comments at MCS, in response to those, I thought about the Borg Queen and the Alien Queen, and Ripley too.
    Susan Ivanova! I forgot all about her! She rocked!

  5. Darrell Says:

    Lady MacBeth! Curse you, Fawndoo, you’ve trumped us all! Great call on that one. How could we have missed her. I was just telling Wendy two days ago that I think that Lady M is the best character Willy ever came up with.

  6. Wendy Says:

    Edie Britt….good choice! Nice list Fawndoo.

  7. FawnDoo Says:

    Thank you all for the nice words, glad you all enjoyed what I brought along to the party!

    MCF, if you get a chance you should check out B5, I think you would enjoy it. And Susan Ivanova is about as formidable as they come.

    Well, who’s hosting the next one then? ;-)

  8. Lorna Says:

    Susan is the quintessential F F—and quirkily beautiful. Good choices, but I think you forgot your cummerbund

  9. FawnDoo Says:

    Damn! Underdressed again! :-D

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