The Boiled Egg of Infinity

Quick note before we get started: they say you should never talk about religion or politics when you’re in company. I say the hell with that but y’all should be aware that I mean no offense to anyone reading this. Unless you’re a racist fuckwit who hides behind shoddy excuses for policies just to cover up for the fact that you’re…well…a racist fuckwit.

I should probably mention I swear a bit in this one too. Anyways, on with the show.

Last night I went to vote in the General Election. It was a nice night, sunny but cool with a slight wind suggesting colder temperatures to come. I had a little white card in my pocket telling me where to go so I could vote, and off I went.

For all the importance put on voting (and I do believe it to be a serious and important thing) it always surprises me that it comes down to me squeezed into a tiny wooden booth with one sheet of paper and one stubby pencil tied to the bench with string. I mean come on – is anyone actually going to steal the holy and sacred Election Pencil? You get your sheet, you make one big X in one box, and that’s it.

It always strikes me as a bit of an anticlimax. All the tremendous importance of the voting process seems to demand something with a bit more flair, a bit more va-va-voom. Having thought about this vital issue for precisely 8 seconds, I have some suggestions:

1) Borrow (steal) an idea from the Vatican (hey, Benedict won’t mind!) and issue everyone with special coloured chemical stuff to burn in their fires. If you want Labour, burn red smoke out the chimney. For Conservatives, blue and Lib Dems, Yellow. Other parties (Scottish Nationalists, Green Party, hell even the Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket party and the Monster Raving Loony Party) can be assigned colours easily enough.

If you are actually stupid enough to vote for the British National Party (BNP, and no no and thrice no, absolutely no linky linky goodness here for you lot – I have my standards, low though they may be, and I will link a million times to the Monster Raving Loony Party before I link once to people like you) just set yourself on fire using the special chemicals. Might as well use that oxygen to keep some people warm instead of having you breathe it in and spit out racist shite along with your carbon dioxide.

We burn the chemicals and whoever gets the biggest colour clouds gets in. Easy. And pretty.

2) Make the whole event a more fun process by making it possible to vote by standing on a big coloured pad on the floor that makes an amusing sound, kind of like that large piano keyboard floor thing they had in Big.

3) Give the voters an option for “Lucky Dip” on the voting sheet like the lottery – they hit a button, a computer makes a random choice and boom, you have your candidate. They could add drama to the proceedings by getting someone in to provide a drumroll.

4) Make the candidates fight in jelly. Whoever wins, rules. I think the Americans should adopt this too, just to show the “special relationship” is as solid as it could be. Come on guys you know it would be fun, even if it might not be as pretty as option 1.

5) Do the election like the dance-off in the remake of Starsky and Hutch, with a camp disco commentator. Admittedly similar to the jelly approach but a bit more groovy, and since we’re supposed to be “Cool Britannia” now, I figure it fits well enough. Again I can see this working for our American cousins. “Oooh, George is doing the two gun, but what’s this…..oh, Kerry is going for the moonwalk!”

I think these are sensible plans and policies for a healthier Britain and America. Who’s with me?

I was glad to see that turnout for the constituency I live in was higher than the last election, so at least that means more people actually shifted their arses and voted. I hate nothing more than talking to someone about current events in which they moan about the government then say they didn’t vote. I’ll say it loud enough to express my frustration: IF YOU DON’T VOTE, SHUT THE HELL UP. IF YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED WALKING 100 YARDS AND WRITING ONE “X” ON A FORM ONCE EVERY FUCKING FOUR FUCKING YEARS, YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT SO Q.Y FUCKING B.

*ahem*

So let me see now, I’ve pissed off the British Nationalists (no bad thing) and the voters who put the “pathetic” into “apathetic”. I shall sign off now with a simple few messages to all those people who depressed me by voting BNP/National Front/UKIP/Veritas last night (yes I sat up, like lots of other geeky people, watching the results come in and groaned when the returning officers had to read your names out, often with numbers after them that made me blush with embarassment that you actually got people to vote for you). To make it simple I have rendered it all down to easy to remember mathematical notations:

Black people = White people. (important word here is PEOPLE!)
*insert colour here* people = every other *insert colour here* people (just to be sure)
Immigration <> The death of society as we know it
Jewish people <> The core of some huge secret society planning the above
Immigration (just to reiterate) <> Britain being full. We’re not falling off the White Cliffs of Dover quite yet
Friendliness and tolerance > Anger and fear
The average voters intelligence > The crap you peddle hoping to scare people
The sense behind your stance < sensible to say the least
Everyone should be = so please don’t be offended if I say once and for all, on behalf of everyone who doesn’t hate everyone else on reflex, fuck all the way off.

And for everyone else, thanks for staying with me this long. Hope you enjoyed this insight into one of the finest political minds of this lunchtime.