Feb 28

If I haven’t said it before (and to be honest, I don’t think I have here, but believe me I have said it plenty times everywhere else) then I will say it again – I cannot believe that they have cancelled Enterprise just as it is getting into its stride. Season 3 showed an overall change in direction and pacing but with the appointment of Manny Coto as showrunner and the Reeves-Stevenses as writers, season 4 has really taken off. In one season we have had Orions, Andorians, Romulans, the initial alliances that will lead to the Federation, the Mirror Universe….everything that a prequel show should be, and finally one that rewards all the Star Trek fans like me who like to see fanboyish plots that show things we’ve never seen before but always wondered about!

Thank god, I shout, let the bells ring and joy be unconfined! After the long dark night that was Voyager we finally have a Star Trek on our screens that is deserving of the name!

And then they cancel it. In the words of the great Unlucky Alf, all I can say on the matter is….

Bugger.

Feb 28

Note to self – never joke with the person behind the counter in the post office when it’s busy and there is a queue. They don’t seem to like it, it makes me look foolish and the ice cold look they give in return is just plain awkward.

What is it possesses me to make jokes in such inappropriate situations? It is a failing, I freely admit, but one I cannot work out in myself. I’m a nice person for the most part. I pay my taxes, give to charity, try to help where I can – all in all, I try to be a good guy. However put me in a situation that demands any sort of seriousness or gravity and boom, the joke circuit goes into overload.

To give an example (and please do not judge) I laughed – for God’s sake I almost hurt myself keeping it from bursting out – at the funeral of a friend’s mother when the Minister said “She had no regrets” and the thought “Well, she’d dead, so I can think of at least one” went through my head. Of course it didn’t help that her coffin was lowered to the sound of Edith Piaf’s Je Ne Regrette Rien, lending a slight air of farce to the whole thing as far as I was concerned.

When I go I want them to play Monty Python’s Always Look on the Bright Side of Life just to make someone else laugh…I don’t see why I should be the only one carrying this burden.

I try to tell myself that it’s better to laugh than cry in a serious situation, which is to some extent true. I just wish I could manage “serious dignity in the face of adversity” as easily as I seem able to carry off “smartmouthed arsehole who thinks he’s funny”.

Feb 28

And that word would be PAIN.

If you can call sheer gluttony an art, then yesterday I am afraid that I suffered for my art. An easy plan for Saturday night – my friend Donny wanted to go out and celebrate his birthday with a meal at a Chinese restaurant he likes. Never one to pass up on the chance of a good meal, I went along and had a good time.

Oh, and ate my own BODY WEIGHT in satay chicken.

And peanut sauce.

And some crispy shredded duck.

So yesterday I suffered – to call my stomach “sore” would be the greatest understatement known to the human race since someone, after watching Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, said “Not very good, is it?”.

I would like to know what jackass is responsible for the common misconception many people have, namely that half an hour after a Chinese meal, you are hungry again. Whoever you are, my digestive system wants a word, and believe me it ain’t in a good mood.

Feb 28

Reporting late on my Friday night experiences, but here we go anyway…I didn’t get a chance to get on to blog this at the time but as the man says, better late than never.

After my day which varied from the good (getting quite a bit done at work, and feeling good about the desk I was leaving for myself on Monday) to the bad (being lectured about the scarcity of A4 envelopes, because apparently they’re as rare as hell these days) I headed out, as is my usual custom on a Friday night, to see my folks and my two younger brothers.

I always treasure these times – I get to see my brothers so little since I moved out. It sounds corny and hackneyed, but when my mum told me she was pregnant I couldn’t imagine what life would be like with two extra little boys running around. Now, I honestly cannot remember what it was like before they were around. As for my parents, it’s nice to kick back and relax with my mum and dad. Going through my teenage years, I spent most of my time fighting with my mum and dad, so it’s nice to enjoy spending time with them as an adult, chatting away in a friendly manner.

Admittedly one of my brothers did gross me out by taking his gobstopper out of his mouth, scratching his foot with it and putting it RIGHT BACK IN THERE without missing a beat, but the night was great besides that. Turns out my brother Nathan – all of 9 years old – has picked up an interest in chess and insisted I play 2 games with him. Might just be brotherly pride working here (and I freely admit I’m pretty damned biased on this matter) but he was good…I think I am going to enjoy many games of chess with him in the years to come.

The weekend promises to be good, with a Chinese buffet tomorrow for my friend Donny’s birthday and a party afterwards…provided of course I can find one of those endangered envelopes to put his birthday card in.

Feb 25

Someone I know just phoned and asked about a problem they were having in Excel. Apparently it kept telling them something about “ejaculant sales” and they were, rather understandably, confused about this.

When I asked about the problem and looked into it, I found that Excel was in fact telling the hapless user that a formula entered did not refer to “adjacent cells”. God bless people who misread things and God damn Bill Gates for not bringing out the version of Office yet that makes schoolboy ejaculation jokes in its error messages.

We’re waiting Bill, go to work!